What about the "myths"?

Myths develop in cultures over time and are strongly held to be true. This is what makes myths so powerful. I will share now with you my "myth list" in hopes that it won't scare you away. I will meander through the list as we go. And the list may change, like all growth, it is not permanent.

Myth 1- Parents needs should supersede children's needs.
Myth 2- Children thrive on being organized, clean and managed.
Myth 3- Parenting comes to most of us naturally.
Myth 4- Sleeping at night is a developmental milestone for children.
Myth 5- Care providers know more about your child then you do.
Myth 6- Growth is predictable and regular.
Myth 7- The parent teaches the child.
Myth 8- Consistency...Once you set the rules and routines, stick to them.
Myth 9- If you want well behaved children, start controlling them early.
Myth 10- If all you do is play, your children will not learn.

Let's start with myth # 1- Parents needs should supersede the needs of the child.

First let me share with you some wise words from a wise man. "Does the child exist for the parent or the parent for the child? The parent must exist for the child. If the child is not there, the parent survives. If the parent is not there, the child does not. Only the adult has the capacity to embody simultaneously the adult world and that of the child. To meet the child only on adult terms is ridiculous. The adult who stretches beyond the blinders of his or her agenda is transcendent. And stretching to meet the adult world is transcendent for the child. The adult-child relationship, when approached in this way, is a spiritual practice for both." Joseph Chilton Pearce.

Though Joseph Pearce puts this into beautiful words, the essence here is that the parent who can abandon their agenda, meet the child where they are, will find life gets easier and more fun.

Example: The morning routine. Parents need to get to work, children need to play.

When getting ready for day care or school is a game, children will participate.

When it is a battle, they take up their weapons.

Creating games that will be fun for everyone is hard work, spontaneous and takes mental and emotional energy.

Here is one I love! Here is the scene, I have to get my three young children into the car, drop them off, get to work and we are running late. I start singing the song from Alice in Wonderland "I'm Late, I'm Late".... The song goes faster and faster and the game is to get ready and into the car before the song is done. The kids know the game and at the first words of the song they start to grab their things and throw on their shoes. I would sing faster and faster, they would be amazed at how many lyrics I was able to recall, and we would all end up in the car laughing at the crazy lyrics that I make up when I run out of real lyrics.

Now, I couldn't do this every day. And most days we moved through the morning pretty easily. But when the pressure was on, I found singing a great way to keep me from yelling.

Another example: The bedtime routine. Parents need some quiet time, children need to play. I used to turn into a "witch" at 9pm. Snarling, growling and ugly. The kids would go running and I would playfully growl if they crept out of bed into the living room. Even now they remember when the "witch" came out. And the truth is, after a long day, I needed some quiet time, I really felt like a witch around 9. But putting the fun and game into it kept me from taking myself too seriously.

You and your children will create a thousand games that will get you through the rough spots. Be creative, think outside the box, relax and enjoy. Try to see the world through their eyes. A vast playground. We want our children to cooperate because they want to, not because they feel manipulated, threatened or bribed. Kids hate the manipulative games we play. You know, "I'll give you an extra cookie, if you will just get in the car." Yikes, if you catch yourself doing this, stop and find another way. Bribing is demeaning to you and to your child.

Hints: Computers and TV time in the morning or at night can really throw the routine into a tail spin. Kids can ignore you when they are attending to a show. They can get angry when you turn it off, you may even find your self negotiating with the TV for attention. Just make it a routine to keep the TV off in the morning and at night. Focus on the upcoming day, open the window and get a little sunshine. Enjoy giving each of your children a unique good morning or good night hug.

Some of us just don't have the "space" in our lives to create games, laugh, pretend. If this is you. Then your first job is to find some "space". I learned this hard lesson from a dear friend. It was during a time in my life when everyone I knew was either getting married or having babies. The parties and showers were endless and once you were in the cycle, you felt obligated to host the one for the gal who hosted yours, etc, etc. My wise friend just said "no".

She had three children, a full-time job, a husband and that was all her plate could hold. These monthly extravagant parties with gifts, decorations, etc, etc. Were too much of a stretch. She told me, "Carol, I must put my children first. I will have space for those things later, but not now." Simple, elegant and honest. I dropped out of the party routine too. It was so refreshing, no guilt, just time and space.

Sometimes we think it is "me" time we need. A spa day, a shopping alone day. And this can work as a re-boot for some moms. For me, a day at the local park, doing nothing but playing, was a far better investment. Letting the day be their agenda, their choice for lunch, their timing, I just enjoyed.

Children that feel your presence and attention will be more tolerant of the busy days. They will recognize your effort to hold them in a place of highest value. They will know in a very deep place that they are the most important thing in your life.